after the dizziness sets in
2007-04-10

I'm not trying to let any of this get the best of me. I'm not sure its working.

I feel practically ill around Jeremy lately, and I know its not something going around.

I don't want to eat.

Its just... Logan seems to haunt me.

We talked about how everything was in high school. And it makes me a little sad to know now he had feelings for me then. And how I must have known. And I did. I knew. I just didn't want to think about it. Now that I do, I just get blue.

I have to ask myself why I'm like this.

I never really liked Hannah, his girlfriend then. I tried. I wanted to. I was so happy when that didn't work out, and I hated feeling that way.

Then I find out how much he never wanted anything to work out with anybody I dated. "God, you had so many boyfriends. People would keep saying things about what a slut you were, but I'd keep telling them that wasn't true."

OK, a little of me resented the fact that she could be there for him and I couldn't. And still I wonder if he could count on me. But the trouble is, he does count on me. Even now.

Things are not perfect. Being with him means I have to consider the little things. He can't drive. He practically needs to be told things to do or not do. Yet, I don't really believe that, either. He's capable of taking care of himself. Its not like he was in a coma for ages and has to rehabilitate. He just needs to take his meds and not drink.

We got into almost a fight about how he's using his epilepsy as a crutch. "You're not crazy." I told him. He wants me to be just as depressed as he is, I guess. How can you be happy like that?

And when I tell him, he has to be strong, he always comes back with you, "You know, you're the only person I do know that's strong." I don't believe him.

I don't want to keep having this pity party, either.

But I guess I'll give it try. Us. No more secrets. Only, we shouldn't live together. Not right now. Although, he's here half the time as it.

The thing is, its all in motion, and I haven't come to terms that its actually happening.