sinking with the ship
2007-04-06

Ok, so I'm trying out these rules with Logan. You know, try to keep what we can of our friendship.

I really don't want that to change. But it has. Might as well, face it. Its different now.

Not totally. I mean, we can still hang out. We can not touch each other for the most part. Except for that final hour when we are alone which, sometimes might turn in to 4 or more.

He couldn't find anybody to go to the movie with us. And I'm not so sure I really want a 3rd person around, anyway.

I mean, I kind of like it, being just us because I can tell we like it like that.

So what is the problem then?

Jeremy.

Yes, I feel awful about this. I feel so awful. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm at the point if Jack came back into my life right now I would be saying, "Jack who?"

I remember how nieve I was about him. How it haunted me for weeks, months, etc. how I'd react if I ever saw him again. I'd have the worst panic attack ever.

Now, I don't care. He would be a stranger to me. And what is worse, to know that someday I might actually feel the same way about Jeremy. And I don't want that to happen.

I really do love him. And I know what you're thinking, 'well, if you did, you wouldn't be doing this behind his back, right now'. I know. I know. I know. I know...I want to change, but I just can't seem too. And I don't know why.

I feel like this thing with Logan is so much better than I ever expected. I want to say its truer. I believe its truer, but what if I'm wrong?

And what's worse....

Jeremy is so much cuter, handsome, wiser and even sweeter than Logan. And I don't care. I don't care.

I am so awful. I am so not a good person...and yet miserably happy at the moment when it comes to Logan.