catching my breath
2006-08-15

Ok, I feel a little lost at the moment. I'm tired. I'm happy. I'm wondering what I'm doing, yet I don't feel like this is a mistake, being with Jeremy.

He's really sweet. And everytime I look at him I keep imagining how he must have been when he was a little boy and I fall in love with him all over again.

I know for sure that I love him. And I know Amber can't see that. And she's like so certain that this is going to end badly. It'll all be fault whatever it is. I'm sure. I just can't even stand to listen to her anymore. I'm just not.

And then moving in with him was kind of a smooth transition. Mom didn't make a big fuss. Especially, when she found out his credit rating is good and he could get the apartment. And how he's going to pay for that. I've still got money to buy new contacts before school start. And I think he can tune my car up. So its like, this is where I should be with Jeremy.

Of course, its different, being together. You know, not those little spur of the moment get aways to be together.

Its like Wow now what after having some bedtime fun. I woke up at two in the morning last night. I couldn't sleep. I vaccumed. He wasn't too happy about that.

Its like I'm soooooooooo tired. Then suddenly I have all this energy and I want to do all these domestic things. Only its like 4 in the morning or so and by the time I get to work I want to drop.

Then he's got those Jared moments. He feels bad that he can't do more for him. Can't see him. Then I ask him if he wants another kid or something and he says, "No, of course not."

Maybe I shouldn't have asked, but I wanted to know. Its just I don't think he'll be getting back to Germany and I don't see Jared's mother coming here with him.

So yeah, all these ups and downs. Everything is still so new that I just don't know what to do.