Casimir Pulaski
2006-07-20

I guess things aren't as perfect for Amber and Andy as I always thought. Ok, there was that time, I thought they really broke up. The time she was driving him around and well, he had that date where she was the 3rd wheel.

I mean, I think I'd ended it right then, but she didn't. Guess too much excess stuff remains. And well, he's her "soulmate" or twin, actually. They do really look a lot a like.

But now they're going to separate colleges and stuff which she wanted. Although, I guess she's having second thoughts now.

Its just, I always imagined them never having a fight, never saying a cross word to each other. You know, like a fairytale, sort of.

"That would be completely boring," she told me. She can't believe I thought they were that boring.

"Of course, not, I was picturing something entirely differently, like that song I remember from that last American Pie movie, "Laid".." Believe me, I was never thinking that about Amber & Andy.

So I feel badly that we haven't been closer. You know, just doing more stuff together. But the thing is, I don't want to hear how I can improve my sex life. Or what guys want. I mean, does she really know? Especially, if Andy is her everything. Always has been. Evidently, always will be. Just because it works with him doesn't mean its going to work with whom ever..or who ever I'm dating.

I don't like that part. I don't like her harping on me about who I date, how to dress. I guess thats why I never went out with any one guy she really wanted me to go out with.

Although, she really did like Lou. And well, there was just something about him, I won't say was warped...but perhaps not quite what he seemed.

Honestly, I don't care what Amber thinks of Jeremy. Well, I say that, but its just it would be sort of nice for us all to do something together, especially, before she goes off to where ever for classes. I guess.

I don't think she dislikes him because she hasn't exactly met him yet. I've just talked about him.

She still asks me about Sebastian. I keep reminding her that was so over. Although, there wasn't that much to be so over when there really wasn't that much going on to begin with.

"But you liked him so much," she kept reminding me yesterday. And yeah, maybe I talked about him in a 'breath taking' sort of way, which seems so juvenial now. I feel bad now thinking how silly I'd been. How fast everything happened. So fast its hard to feel what I felt then now. Like this blur. Maybe its a good thing it just ran its course like that. Maybe.

"I don't think I'd feel much for him now if I even saw him." My very words. Although, I would hate to see him because what if I'm wrong? I hate being wrong about this kind of stuff.

And true, a lot wiser are out there that don't hang on to as many emotions as I do. But its those highs that care me so far. And the lows creep up on you. Then you're left with this shock. And you just feel numb then.

Ok, maybe I'm just hungry now. My stomach is growling. And I'm probably not making any sense.