what the.....?
2006-06-28

Jeremy says he's sorry he didn't kiss me. Kind of an odd phone call just now. I wasn't thinking that would happen. And he didn't say if we'd go out again, either. Shit.

Actually, I wasn't sure he'd call at all. I don't know. We laughed and I really enjoyed his company at the movie. We talked a little, but nothing heavy. Just everyday stuff.

I wanted to stare at him, you know...study him, but I didn't.

I'm so not myself lately, because I'm afraid what I do isn't exactly the thing to do. Like maybe I'm on a different wave length or I'm trying too hard. I don't know anymore.

I know, what you're thinking. Just be you. But when I'm on autopilot, I think I'll wake up and wish I'd really not jumped into something I shouldn't have.

Anyway, this afternoon at work this goth girl with a baby told me she knew who I was. And that having a real job meant I had to dress conservative and shit. I wasn't sure what she was talking about. But she thought I was cool. Only I'm really not. I don't feel cool.

Maybe I just don't know anything anymore. Its just I haven't freaked yet. I'm waiting for that moment. Wondering if it'll be a heart pounding panic attack or I'll just screw up what I've already screwed up so far.